listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
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You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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