I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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