why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How naked do you want me to be?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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