when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
