Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party