your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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