I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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