I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
