rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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