and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
