Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
