Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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