Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
