haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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