she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
