I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
