I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
