Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
