I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Buhtt sex?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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