I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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