she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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