apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
