Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
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