You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
