You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
