I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
