She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
