just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the condom got lost in my hair
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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