Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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