Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
