Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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