You really coming over, don't trick.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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