I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
