That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
