1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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