i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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