I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
