you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
