My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
