that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
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