BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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