he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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