dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
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I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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