Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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