Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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