Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
