I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Success! We fucked roommates!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
