I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
