Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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