I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
