Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
