Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
