Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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