My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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