Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
