Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
